"Imagination can't create anything new, can it? It only recycles bits and pieces from the world and reassembles them into visions. So when we think we've escaped the unbearable ordinariness and, well, untruthfulness of our lives, it's really only the same old ordinariness and falseness rearranged into the appearance of novelty and truth. Nothing unknown is knowable"
~Harper - Angels in America
It was unrealistic.
It was unfair.
Eggs crushed under the weight of the inevitable hubris of a single basket.
(To think you could have hoped for so much)
So scrap humanity and turn to routine.
Find comfort in the same car alarm that goes off 18 times a day, but mostly when you're trying to fall asleep. Take solace in research methods, if that's even possible. Find peace in the menial. Find repose in what minutiae you are able to control. Stop expecting so much. Stop expecting at all. You are a heavy, heavy burden not to be placed on the shoulders of any one person. Grow. Change. Stop trying to live in a cyclical fantasy of the past. Build something new. Find another way. Hope that the hurt is gone by tomorrow. That the unrelenting uncertainty becomes as invisible as the air. The old patterns don't work anymore. No matter how much you want them to. Give up and try again. But for something different this time. All the while, wanting to hope that touch is not lost forever. Because it means so much. You wouldn't feel this way if it didn't.
